I got up early and went to church today. It was our preacher's last sermon and she talked about loss and saying goodbye she also mentioned that she did 32 funerals one of which being my own daughters. It was a good service and I really enjoyed going to church today. I had to tell my daughter half a million times to sit down but it was worth it because she is finally starting to catch on. She asked me if God was dead and I explained to her to God id a spirit and he has never lived as a human so he wouldn't be able to have died. My son wasn't feelingwell so I let him skip church today.It made me feel better to go to church this morning like something was alitlle more complete. I did get a rejection on my book today but I will keep trying and I am trying to ot let it get me depressed..
Everyone always says that loss is natural but the truth is that when you are going through loss it is the most unnatural feeling in the world. I mean you have this person in your life and then suddenly you have to come to the realization that you will never hear this person speak. Its like your brain is turned off and the one person you want to turn it back on cant. Really loss doe not feel natural and I don't think it is supposed to. Its sad but its real, you realize how much that person really meant to you. When I think about loss I think about my husband losing his parents at the age of sixteen or the loss of my little girl. They weren't almost they were real.I think about Simon Monjack who lost his wife Brittany Murphy just last December and now he dies of natural causes. It is amazing what loss can do to a person. I think the whole mourning process that we have become accustomed to is unnatural too. I mean we take this person who has experienced this great loss and throw them into the middle of planning this "get-together" to memorialize the person they are mourning. They are forced to face a swarm of people for days in a row on no sleep, no nutrition, and with tears in their eyes, and God help them if they are the suffer in silent type. I didn'tcry in front of peoplee at my daughter's funeral and peoplee actually had disparaging remarks about me. I mean hello I was mourning my baby and I have my own ways of well actually I was just in shock. I was in shock and peoplee didn't like it. HOw can people actually criticize someone who has just loss like that?
Today I have just felt angry all day. I know I dont want to be like this because this was how my mother was, no offense mom, but anger is a common emotion. I dont like being angry and feeling anxious all the time. I dont like being too amped up to sleep all night and being tired an frustrated all day. I wonder all the time why me? Why do I have to be like this. Is it fair for my kids? I try very hard to not get angry at them. They do aggrevate me sometimes. OK at the ages they are at they can be down right infuriating, but the major point is I dont get mad at them. I dont get abusive or angry. I dont hurt anyone. I didnt ask to be bipolar, so I guess it is up to me to make the best of it.
I havent been eating much which is not good at all. I have bagged up more clothing to go to the woman and children shelter. I plan to go running tomorrow. I hope tomorrow is a better day and I dont feel the same way. I dont want to feel anxious, aggrevated, or angry tomorrow. I really dont want to be tired tomorrow.
Good Deeds 332, Today we tithed at church today so I guess that is also my faith. I think that today we should be thankful for mothers, but also for the children that God have graciously given us. Mothers and children are both gifts. I mean its not rare for kids to drive you crazy even on mothers day. I got a rose today in church that I plan to go and place on my daughter's grave. The rest of the day I am pending with my son, daughter, mom, and Grandma.
I have opfen t let me dasleia fget int he wat of my paparowrk, I have have rturned in mnay papers that lookedlike this and wondered why I am getting an F. I am inebriated but the paper lookes fin.I guess now tht i am soing this project sobed and I cnmge the full experience of that I wa going to mysle,
I know that any one reading this blog thinks I have lost my mind but now I see that the papers I turned in when I was sick were unreadable and deserved an F not that I fet that way before. I tought I had done a great job but really will you have given that an A.Right now I'm eating a granola bar and has a salad for dinner. Low fat yogurt from lunch and a banana for breakfast. I ran a 5K This morning, bu fifnt make it to mow my parent yards I didn drop off several clothes for the woman can children's center.
I was thinking today that don’t know what all nineteen year olds get to do, but in 2002 I celebrated my 19th birthday in March while I was in my 3rdmonth of pregnancy, six months later I was burying my daughter. I got pregnant at eighteen and it never crossed my mind that I would not get to see this child grow up and be happy, instead of picking out the perfect layette I was picking out the perfect coffin and tombstone. She was a beautiful child born with blonde hair and blue eyes and the perfect little birth mark under her left eye. The nurses called it an an angel kiss. She was beautiful. Even the day she died when she was swollen due to kidney failure she was beautiful. At that point all her organs had begun to shut down, and she was dying. She was my daughter and she was dying. Sedated and unable to say good bye she was dying. While other nineteen year olds were making decisions like what to wear out that night or whether not to stay with their boyfriend. I had to make the decision to let my little girl go and I signed the paper work to let her go and be taken off life support because I didn'twant her to suffer anymore or die from suffocation from the fluid forming around her heart and lungs. So what do I have now. Just a headstone to visit.
Life has been rough for me. Losing my daughter Hope Marie wasn't the only terrible event in my life but it was definitely the worst.
What did I do toady? I got a pedicure and ran three miles. I have the marathon tomorrow so I am being very careful with my training and not wanting to have any more blisters on my feet.
Food: I ate 1 cup of organic strawberry yogurt, some banana chips, a handful of almonds and the rest of my pasta vegetable salad.
Exercise: Ran 3 miles preparing for the marathon tomorrow
Good Deeds: My good deeds have not worked out well today. I couldn't clean my friends house and I was going to mow my Dad'd yard but it has rained all day. I am not shirking the need to help some one I guess I will have to collect this one and do two tomorrow.
Work on my book: Worked for an hour and almost finished chapter 9.
This is the first of what is going to be my insomnia sessions. I have suffered from insomnia since I was a child. Most nights I am fine if I get about two hours of sleep in a three day period so here is what I was thinking about as I lay there. Recently a friend made the comment that luck is when preparation meets opportunity.(Seneca-Roman philosopher) He himself has been having a hard time finding employment so I understand why he doesn't believe in luck. The truth is I don't believe in luck either. Thats not to be any kind of kill joy to Seneca, but nothing in my life has ever been due to luck. I have worked at everything I have ever had, and I don'tknow maybe having the will to work so hard is lucky for me but I still don't think I can say I believe in luck. So I guess it is up to you to figure out do you believe?
Beginning a new day, beginning a new life. Hope is still far away but I feel that it may be reachable for the first time in several years, actually my whole life. I don't ever ask for much but for some reason life doesn't seem to have much for me. I don't know who I am supposed to be, but I know who I am. Daughter, Mother, Sister, wife, ex-wife, former pill head, post Alcoholic. Yes I say post because I decided long ago to change myself, but I don't think I ever truly recovered. That I ever truly made it through the sea of bad decisions. Decisions that not only affect me but my family too. I started heavily drinking and taking pills very young but stopped upon becoming pregnant for the first time, but after the death of my daughter stopped all drug use before the birth of my son, but thats not to say I haven't had the urge to go back. That is why I have decided to change my life and my self. I am not telling anyone how they should live, eat, or work. I am just laying out the plan to change myself. Any decisions made after my blog that may affect your health should be discussed with your doctor the same as I have. I have decided to only eat healthy, that includes no more fast food or fried foods, I vow to do something for some one else everyday. Today I bought maternity clothes for my sister just because I wanted to. I will do a good deed for someone else, family or stranger that I would like someone to do for me. Third I will exercise more and not go back to any health wrecking behavior. Last I am determined to finish my novel making my self work atleast an hour on it everynight. I have set a deadline to start sending out query letters for the 30th of May no exceptions.
Sooo. Today I ate two bananas, 1/3 cup of strawberries, and a glass of milk, tonight will be homemade pasta salad with broccoli and carrots in low fat Italiann dressing. Very simple to make.And plenty of water.
I bought maternity clothing for my sister just to be nice, tomorrow I don't know yet. I might go help a friend clean her house.
I did an exercise video for half and hour. Not as much as I wanted to to but hey this is the beginning. A new beginning.